Hey. Heyy yooo guys…

Or, if you prefer Goonies to Drunk J. Crew, I’ll say it like this: Heyyyy Youuuuuu Guuuuuuuyysss!!!

Or, I could just say it normally…

Hey, you guys…I wrote 2 jokes. They’re pretty awful.* Since coming up with 2 jokes took me 37 years, I should be ready to launch my standup career in approximately 2000 years. Luckily, since I believe in reincarnation, I’ll have plenty of lifetimes to come up with new material, and also learn how to speak in front of crowds without sweating through my clothing. For those of you who don’t believe in reincarnation, good news: you won’t have to listen to me attempt to tell lame jokes for the next 2000 years.

Anyway, ahem…

Joke #1.
I’ve learned a lot from going to doctors over the years. For instance, be careful trying to joke around with them. Like, don’t go in there and say, “Does this bump on the inside of my cheek mean I’m going to die?” They might try to diagnose you with hypochondria because they don’t understand your humor. I’m not 100% sure what hypochondria is, but I’m pretty sure it’s fatal.

Joke #2
Medical researchers have determined that adults can strengthen their brains and stave off dementia by exercising their minds, and performing different types of activities that deviate from their normal routines. When I heard this I decided to deep clean both of my bathrooms. I don’t know if it helped, though. I don’t feel any less demented.

Bah dum bum…

It’s entirely possible I’ve heard these jokes from someone else* at some point in the past, and my mind buried them for a while, then unearthed them one day and claimed them as my own. Maybe I need to clean more bathrooms so my brain can grow stronger neural networks and start pulling its weight around here.

*If these are, in fact, some famous comedian’s jokes, I think they’re amusing. If I actually thought of them myself, I think they’re lame, because I have Imposter Syndrome. But I’ve decided to practice putting myself out there even though I risk looking stupid, because otherwise my hermitic self might attempt to spend the rest of my adulthood living in a cave away from humanity once my son is grown, which won’t leave me any money to buy things like sushi or orange flavored peeps. And that would totally suck, because those things are fucking good.