I was going to post a stupid and probably redundant question to my online support group for Fluoroquinolone Toxicity sufferers, but decided my resulting rant was too negative and expletive-laden. Instead I’ll ask it here, somewhat rhetorically, to no one in particular, even though there may not be a real answer:

What…just WHAT on earth do you do when you can no longer stand living in a world that does this to people? That poisons them, tells them all their symptoms are in their heads, then leaves them to suffer alone? Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it anymore. It’s not even because I’m still suffering – I’m 6 years out and doing okay compared to the first 3 years. It’s living in this fucked up, shitty world all the time, having to watch people take FQs, not understanding even a fraction of the horror that awaits them if they get floxed. It’s worrying about people you love listening to their doctor’s bullshit medical propaganda instead of your sincere and heartfelt (not to mention VALID) warnings. Worrying about your kid growing up and buying into all of mainstream medicine’s bullshit, swallowing all the poison they’ll try to shove down his throat without question. I’m more worried about that than I am about his future drug and alcohol experimentation. How fucked up is that?

I almost feel like I need to be more direct when discussing FQs. Like, rudely direct. Nevermind the “FQs can cause permanent peripheral neuropathy and tendon damage.” Fuck that. That’s too easy to ignore, even with the word “permanent”. How about:

I TOOK CIPRO AND SPENT THE NEXT 3 YEARS WANTING TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY. THIS COULD BE YOU.

LEVAQUIN MIGHT MAKE EVERY NERVE IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY BURN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DO NOT TAKE IT.

Or even: PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES DON’T KNOW OR CARE WHAT UNDERLYING DAMAGE THEIR DRUGS ARE CAUSING YOUR BODY.

Which…that can apply to all drugs, not just FQs. The worst part about that statement is that it’s completely true, and also the most likely to be deemed sheer insanity by people living in blissful ignorance of the dark underbelly of the mainstream medical paradigm. And it’s yet another example of people with pharmaceutical-induced health issues knowing (and living) a truth the masses are not yet ready to hear. As a result, we get front row seats as people slowly wake up to the truth, usually by becoming poisoned themselves, or watching someone else get poisoned.

Why won’t people heed my warnings? And why can’t humans ever seem to learn anything unless we’re shocked by personal tragedy? I mean, I’d like to think that I would have been shocked into never taking a Fluoroquinolone drug had I encountered a floxed person in my healthy days, but who knows. I can’t exactly go back in time and prove it, can I?

Anyway…This post was inspired by a conversation with my mother, who is in the hospital right now halfway across the country. I cannot visit her, or do anything except talk on the phone with her, and she does not want to talk about FQs, and doesn’t know what kind of medication they put her on for the suspected UTI that turned out not to be a UTI, because she’s on so many meds already, and every time she mentions not wanting a FQ to a doctor they say, “Just because your daughter is sensitive to FQs doesn’t mean you will be.” She told me that and had to abruptly get off the phone, so I’m now sitting here all scared and disgusted and filled with rage. So, what, I guess I can look forward to the possibility of watching my mother get floxed from afar because doctors are ignorant and she is stubborn? Fine. Great. Looking forward to it, really. In fact, I’m looking so forward to just watching everyone’s health go down the tubes…people I care about, random strangers. Fuck it. We’re a poisoned, ailing population, stumbling around poisoning the planet, continuing to poison ourselves and each other to “treat” the ailments we’ve developed from being poisoned. The human race is disgusting.

Sorry. I know this post is negative. Usually I’m annoyingly optimistic, an idealistic, “silver lining” kind of person…to a fault, really…but I just can’t be that way all the time. And really, I wonder if it’s nothing but a defense mechanism, anyway – a way to soften the horrors of the world, trick myself into thinking it’s not that bad so I’ll stick around for the duration of my natural life without driving myself off a cliff prematurely.

Which brings me back to my original question about how people live in this world of horrors. How do we cope? I suppose this is a universal question which could apply to any adversity – not just the type of illness and insanity I’ve been subjected to. I guess the answer is to distract ourselves with entertainment, or thoughts of good in the world, or food, or drink, or whatever…whenever we can. I guess it’s human nature to gloss over pain as often as possible, just so we can continue to function. Which means, maybe I shouldn’t judge people who dismiss me, who can’t seem to wrap their heads around what happened to me. They probably can’t handle it, the same way I sometimes can’t – like today. Only, I don’t have the luxury of ignoring it the way some people to.

I wish I did, though. It’s a heavy burden sometimes, like being one of the select few who is privvy to a terrible secret, knowing we will have to watch from afar as the whole world slowly learns this secret the hard way. Like parenting…knowing you can’t protect your child from someday learning the world is goddamned difficult and full of pain, because he’s stubborn and doesn’t listen to you, and can only learn by stumbling along his own path until he’s shocked awake by whatever version of misery he encounters in his life.

Jesus. Happy Fucking New Year, huh? Again, sorry for the downer post.

Wait a minute. I think maybe I’ve found another answer to how to cope in this fucked up world besides distraction: feel the emotions for as long as they’re here, express them, and just let them run their course. Emotions don’t last forever; they wax and wane. I’m feeling the weight of fear and anger and sadness right now, but that doesn’t mean those emotions will be here when I wake up tomorrow morning. Even if they are, even if they last for weeks or months, they won’t ALWAYS plague me with the same intensity. I will learn to cope somehow – it’s just human nature. I learned that from being floxed, didn’t I? Yes, I did. I just need to remind myself occasionally, when life becomes too much. Which, it will…over and over again. But it’ll become good again, in some way or another. I forget that sometimes, too.

I’m going to go now and have myself a good cry, then try to mentally will my mother to please, please, for the love of god add “NO FLUOROQUINOLONES” to her medical chart. And then go cry some more, because I’m having a hard time coping with the world’s insanity on this particular day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.